Green Flash has a mental breakdown / Josh runs the table

Saturday October 10th… (Green Flash has a mental breakdown)
GOG, Mother Teresa…. WHERE ARE YOU? The Smits once again were out of town and abandoned the ride group. To be honest, those that showed up were glad! In attendance included a small but very aggressive group of hammerheads:
Jeff (not #6, not downhill racer, not with the broken collar bone, aka Claim Jumper and Sand Bagger)
Josh (Pukie, Moving Violation)
Shawn (Green Flash who showed up with 19 more gears than last week and in total tacky green garb - as usual)
Joe (Mr Immortal)
John Majikes (Putz)
Todd (Slow Todd)
Steve (Capn Carbon)
As the small but serious group rolled out of the parking lot and headed around Bruggers toward High House, they came across Mr Immortal who was having mechanical problems and off his bike. He waved at the group and said to go on with a frustrated tone in his voice! True to the “spirit of the ride” the group all stopped to offer a helping hand. Sand Bagger and Capn immediately jumped onto the situation and helped adjust the front shifter which was not functioning very well. With Joe (Mr Immortal) back in business again with a big smile, the group sped up High House and through the Preston neighborhoods. The first bit of excitement was on Ron’s Pull where, as expected, the pace quickly picked up and the banter stopped. Serious business as there was $100 on the line! The Green Flash launched a mighty attack but unfortunately had Josh, Sand Bagger, Capn, and Mr Immortal right on his wheel. As the line approached, Capn launched a counter attack and surged past the Green Flash. With apparent victory in hand, Capn shut down the turbo thrusters a little too soon as Mr Immortal rolled past him toward the end of the road. NICE job Joe of sneak attack!
GOG owes Mr Immortal $100
The next challenge was on UpChuck hill where Josh (Pukie) continued to demonstrate a new found strength of climbing short and steep hills – where did this come from? (some say modern medicine) Josh easily beat the rest of the Thorns to the top for the win.
GOG owes Josh $100
At the top of Upchuck, the group took a right and then headed down toward the Tobacco Trail to find a fire engine and rescue vehicles blocking the road. A car was on the side and was smoldering from a major fire in the engine compartment. Capn suggested insurance fraud and said Car Max probably did not offer enough money to take it off the owner’s hands! A right at the Strawberry Patch and then left onto some Woman’s Chapel road. It was there that John began a long story of how he was called a big Putz as a kid. I cannot repeat some of the definitions that John said a Putz represents but needless to say, they were not good. At any rate, John was proud of his childhood nickname and will now continue to be call this from now on (at least by Capn). As the lake approached, the peloton started forming a straight line with everyone trying to tuck in and conserve as much energy as possible for the cash sprint just ahead. The speeds approached 30 mph before the Green Flash and Pukie launched another tremendous attack. Josh was able to hold on and take the prize once again with the rest of the group right on his heels! The only difference from the prior week was that he did not Puke this time.
GOG owes Josh $100
A quick right and a needed rest stop just ahead at the Lystra gas station. Mr Immortal had already announced that he would turn around at the gas station due to another commitment. With that in mind, Joe launched his own solo attack heading up the hill toward the gas station. He had a large breakaway which stunned Capn and the others. Eventually, Mr Immortal was reeled in but not before claiming victory. Outstanding game of tactics. From now on, the group needs to keep an eye on Joe!
GOG owes Mr Immortal $100
From the gas station, the group agreed to do a sprint to the top of Cul-de-Lystra and then come back down to head over to Big Woods for a time trial. The Green Flash and Capn were fighting tooth and nail to the very top and burned way too many matches in their zeal to be to the top first. Eventually, Capn edged out the Flash but not by much. Everyone else either rode easy up the hill, or are just plain out of shape and died. Some only rode part way up and then turned around. These names will not be revealed as they are truly an embarrassment to the Thorns tradition. Patti Melt would NEVER only ride part way up!
Down the hill, right and then another left put the peloton onto Big Woods. From the very beginning, the Green Flash, Sand Bagger, and Capn got aggressive and pulled away from the pack. They each took fast and brief pulls to keep the speed high and provide a consistent rotation to share the load. Only occasionally did the speeds get below 25 mph across the entire stretch! However, at one point, the Green Flash pull off the front and was dropped by Capn and Sand Bagger. Capn looked back and was surprised. He then yelled back for the Flash to catch up which he eventually did. Then a mile down the road, it happened again. This greatly puzzled Capn and Sand Bagger as they clearly know that the Green Flash is a super strong rider and never gets dropped. At the end of the Big Woods, Capn asked the Green Flash what happened – too much drinking the night before? The Flash responded by saying he was not tired or hung over but rather had several mental breakdowns which allowed him to get temporarily dropped. Strange, very strange and maybe a need for medical attention. Maybe the dye from his many green tattoos has entered his bloodstream and is starting to effect the Flash’s mental capacity????
The whole group collected and then formed a nice pace line to motor across the lake and up to the Wilsonville gas station for another break. From there, the group rolled back toward home. Putz had rolled out earlier than the group as he was a bit tired and feared the pace might get too severe for his liking. After crossing the lake, the group took the first right onto some road which was very hilly. In fact, the rest of the ride home was very hilly including the final big pull up Greenlevel. Putz was caught by the group just before Greenlevel. The whole way home, the Green Flash continued to attack every hill which drew the attention of Capn and others who attempted to chase him down. In the end, it was a 48 mile ride at 19.1 mph average speed. Not bad for such a hilly ride!


Sunday October 11th… (Capn was Dead, Josh ran the tables)
GOG, Mother Teresa…. It rained the a lot the night before and many were too “afraid” to get out on the wet roads. There were a few dedicated and brave individuals who did attend including:
Jeff (not #6, not downhill racer, not with the broken collar bone, aka Claim Jumper and Sand Bagger)
Josh (Pukie, Moving Violation)
Brian (current president and CEO of the Steel is Real club on his classic team Gitane bike)
Barbara (wondered where all of the other girls were)
Paul (did the Pinehurst triathlon the day before and wanted to know what excuse Tim and Cristi had for not showing up!!!!)
Perry (new guy – 2nd ride with the group. He was the guy that got a flat on the new Serotta bike a few weeks ago)
Tim (Slow Tim – the group did not recognize him as it appears he has stolen the GOG’s beach ball. Brian said he looked like an older Elvis)
Another small but mighty group – like the day before. It was good to see Slow Tim on the road as he has basically disappeared over the last month or so. Capn showed up a little later than normal and told the group he had zero sleep and no energy from too much fun the night before. The group did not believe Capn and figured it was just a plot being laid for a series of major attacks down the road. Very quickly, the group realized that Capn was telling the truth as there were no aggressive moves, no attacks, no sprints, and only mild trash talking for the entire ride. This was the weakest ride ever for Capn. Josh seized this opportunity and won EVERY single sprint and bonus money. Paul was truly the animal of the day as he completed an Olympic distance triathlon down in Pinehurst the prior day and there he was out riding with the Thorns the very next day! Where was the Love Train and Kristi? So here was the quick run down of the ride… Josh won Ron’s Pull, Josh crushed Brian up Upchuck, Josh abused Brian on the sprint to the lake on some Woman’s Church road, Josh destroyed Capn on the County Line. Everyone else on the ride just sat back and watched the devastation. Even Claim Jumper was quiet on the ride and had no late day sneak attacks! In Brian’s defense, he had been sick the week before and has not been riding too much. Bla bla blaaa. Also of note, Slow Todd was dropped several times and asked why he was so slow??? His response was that triatheletes are not allow to draft on the bike and he tries not to do so on our rides which makes him “slower” than the rest of us – WHATEVER! Either way, he is still SLOW.
GOG owes Josh $400.
As with tradition, Josh and Capn peeled off from the peloton to join the CSH (Cycles Broken Here as Slow Todd would say) morning ride. The good news is that Capn came back to life and was able to ride up front with the “A” group and finished strong with a 50 mile total ride for the day.
The estimated distance for the rest of the group was 34 miles at a 17.5 mph pace. A nice recovery ride!!!!!!
Capn